Put Momma Bear Away

As I type this blog I will tell you I don't completely have what I am going to tell you figured out. I am definitely a work in progress. I am taking the advice of my family and friends, as well as my own advice, and trying to do the best job I can in every situation that arises. However, I feel like I keep failing time and time again because I let my anger get the best of me.

What do you do when your child calls you crying so hard you can't understand a word they are trying to tell you? What do you do when your child begs you to come home? What do you do when a situation occurs at the ex's house that makes your child pick up the phone and call you crying? Well, I can tell you what NOT to do. Do NOT do what I did. Do not pull out your inner Mamma Bear, pick up the phone, and relinquish a string of sentences that incorporates more "f" bombs than you can count. Do no call names. Do not demand that your child be brought back immediately. I did exactly that and hung up the phone feeling very justified in doing so........for about five minutes.

With divorce, or any situation that dumps life on its head as you knew it, emotions run extremely high, and unless you are a saint, you have to relearn how to control each emotion....especially anger. As I have said before, I have two qualities about me that can be easily manipulated. I have a short fuse when you hurt my family and friends, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. If this mirrors your character, good luck....lol. These qualities make you very vulnerable to not only other people, but to yourself. The best I can tell you is to take a deep breath, and don't see the situation on the surface. Now, saying that is much easier than living it. As I said, I'm a work in progress. Think before you react. Trust me, I've told myself this a million times. If you can't get yourself to step back and see the situation on a deeper level, just remember when you make that phone call, the person on the other end has a speaker button they can hit for everyone in the room, including your children, to hear you yelling your head off, and calling their parent less than favorable names. That is enough to stop me.

I received some advice that I initially was less than thrilled about. It wasn't what I wanted to hear. I chewed on that advice for a couple of days. I'm not going to lie, at first I was greatly irritated. Then I realized the advice I was given is spot on. The advice was to "let your child fight their own fight with their father. You step out of it because it isn't your fight." Why did that irritate me? I still had my Mamma Bear suit on, and therefore I was still thinking like a Mamma Bear. Now, all you Mom's out there, what is the first thing that happens when we hear someone hurt one of our babies? The hair on the back of our neck stands up, our top lip curls, and we go into "nobody hurts my baby" mode. Well, I'm going to tell you as long as your ex is not physically hurting your child, and your child is safe, and being cared for, we need to leave our Mamma Bear suits in the closet because your child getting yelled at probably isn't going to kill them. If it happens regularly and starts having a profound effect on your child, then pull that suit out. Had I thought of that at the time, I could have avoided putting my kids smack dab in the middle of a sticky situation.

So the advice I initially hated, I ended up embracing. It was hard, but I had to tell my child they had to fix their relationship with their father on their own, and I could not do it for them. Boy was that hard to say. As Mom, we fix everything. To not be able to do that will throw so much pain inside you it will be almost unbearable, but you have to do it because the fact of the matter is you have no control. Way easier said than done, trust me...I know. This is so new to me I don't even know if the advice I am giving you is right. There is no manual for this. I can't go pull a book off a shelf and tell my child that page 147 tells us to do this, so that is what we are going to do. Wow, wouldn't that be wonderful.

So for now, I've put my Mama Bear suit back in the closet. I encourage you to do the same. Keep that suit there for a better time. Continue to pray for strength. Ask God to take your pain and anger. I've asked a million times. Keep asking. One day you will get there.

Get a Hobby

Hi there. This is my first time ever writing a blog. Me...blogging...wow. Never thought it would ever happen. After a few months of blowing snot all over my family and friend's shoulders, cussing, yelling, etc., I kept hearing this same sentence, "Michelle, you need to get a hobby. This divorce has consumed you. It is going to kill you if you don't do something." One day I was sitting at home consuming myself with pain when a thought popped into my mind. I give this credit to God. I feel in my heart he wants me to do this. I've always wanted to help people. We now live in a very virtual world....boom...write a blog. Reach people in the biggest way people communicate this day in age. So, here I am putting myself out there for the world to read. It may be a flop, but as the saying goes...if I can help just one person, I will be satisfied.

Here we go. I want to start by saying I have created this blog in the hope of being able to help people who are going down the same road I have and continue to travel down . I am not here to put anyone down, run anyone's name or character through the mud, or to have people feel sorry for me. I will however be honest, descriptive, and sometimes a little sassy. That is who I am. If you do not agree with this blog, simply don't read it. I do not want any negative comments against me, my family, or friends.

Lets get to the heart of this blog. I was married for 22 years. My husband decided to toss in the towel and divorce me. My divorce has been final for seven months. I have three beautiful children. Unfortunately, they are forced to go down this road also. A bumpy road it has been for all of us. I am not an advocate for divorce. However, I am not naïve enough to say that everyone should stay married. I realize there are marriages out there that cannot be salvaged. However, I didn't think mine fit into that category. I'm not going to make myself out to be perfect. I'm not even close. I'm not going to say I didn't do anything in my marriage to cause strife because I did. I'm human. I did, however, fight tooth and nail to save my marriage. To keep my family together. I never understood why my husband didn't want to fight equally as hard. Shortly after the divorce I found out. He found greener grass with someone else.

If this sound familiar, hold on tight. You are going to go through emotions you never thought you had. You will hurt so bad inside it will literally hurt to breathe. The pain in your stomach is going to feel unbearable. How do I know, I lived it. I continue to live it, but hang on. It will pass with each living day. It does not feel like it now, but it will pass. The pain will dull. It will still be there, but it will dull. Feel it, live it, cry, scream, blame God, hit, vomit do whatever. You are justified. You have just suffered a level of betrayal you never thought you would ever suffer. Live it. I did every day. Get angry. Hate if you want. I had never experienced hate before in my entire life until the realization of why my marriage ended came full circle. I felt guilty for hating. After all we are not to hate. God doesn't look too kindly on people who hate. I even spoke to my parish priest about it. It's natural to go through every emotion you are feeling. Divorce is death, and we all know with death comes the stages of grief. As a matter of fact, if you don't go through these emotions, you will never heal. You will never reach a level of forgiveness. These feelings will literally consume you. What you are going through will be on your mind 24/7. You will eat, sleep, and breathe the pain you are going through. You will get to the point of being absolutely sick of it being on your mind, but it will not leave you. It will consume you. Again I say, let it....for awhile. I cannot express this next part enough. DON'T STAY THERE. Don't stay in the dungeon of pain. Don't stay chained to the walls of betrayal and deceit. Don't let anger and bitterness rule your life. You eventually only end up hurting yourself. I still struggle with this. Boy do I have days where I'm so angry I could literally rip my ex's face off along with who he left me for. I have chewed him up one side and down the other several times. I have chewed his ass completely off, and when it grew back, I chewed it off again. I still have days where I can cry all day. They are getting fewer and further between. I am slowly unchaining myself from the pit of hell I was shoved into. I am slowly clawing my way to the top. I am learning not to stay in that stage of being a victim. Yes, I am a victim, but I do not have to continue to be a victim. It is ultimately my choice to live my life the way I want to live it. I am choosing to walk with God. To go towards him every day. Especially the days where I feel like I just want to lay down and die. I can't do that. I have three wonderful children who need me. You cannot do that either. You have children, family, and friends who need you.

Speaking of family and friends. Lean on them HEAVILY. It is the only thing that has gotten me this far. If they cannot take the weight of your pain, they were never your friend to begin with. Fortunately, my family and friends have very strong shoulders. They are there for me night and day. I am very blessed to have them. Call them night or day. Call them 50 times a day if you have to. My two best friend's have literally held me up. Kept me from falling into the fetal position when the realization of what my ex did hit me like a ton of bricks. Your family and friends, if they are worth their salt, will do the same for you....I promise. Open yourself up, you have to. If you don't, you will die from the inside out. I am really opening myself up with this blog. Talk about feeling vulnerable....lol.

Gosh, there is just so much I want to say. I think this is enough for now. I hope I have began to help someone. Please, just hang in there. I promise you life does get better. It has for me. I'm not going to say it is great. It isn't even close, but it is better. I can breathe without it hurting most days. Get on your knees and pray. Put your Faith in God. He has a plan for you. He has a plan for me. Be patient. He will reveal that plan in His time. Your plan is going to be great.